March 1, 2017|
President Trump Announces Sale of California to Mexico
WASHINGTON (AP) - At 12:15pm today President Trump disclosed that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Peņa Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the sale of substantially all of the State of California to the country of Mexico. President Trump noted that this deal, which he claims "is his largest real estate deal ever" is a win-win for everyone involved. One of the benefits he says he will highlight during a prime time address from the oval office later this evening, will include using the proceeds received by the US from Mexico to:
Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening's prime time address include:
Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President's life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.
The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California's wine country and are suggesting that the northern border align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.
California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the U.S., so that the total number of California liberals entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Those blue cards will allow weekend visits to Las Vegas. Residents that remain in Calif. after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the US in the future.
Mexican President Peņa Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California.
He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.
White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale of Northeastern states from NY through Maine, to Canada.
Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau also refused to comment on what impact this deal would have on the immigration status of Rosie O'Donnell.
President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, "this deal is HUGE and will help Make America Great Again, albeit a little smaller but a far better place".
Hey, if the New York Times and CNN can manufacture fake news, why can't I?